Profound
by obsessedwithstabler
Summary: How do you come to terms with a loss so profound, so devastating, that it destroys the very person you once were?


Alright, I know it's evil to be stuck with writer's block for a while, then when you're unstuck, you come up with something like this. Major character deaths, and suggestions of suicide. Very dark story. You've been warned.

Disclaimer: Not mine!

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

"You'll have a good time, El."

Elliot Stabler sighed and looked at his wife of three years. "I know. I just… I wish you were coming with us."

"Me, too. But this will be good for you two." Olivia handed their little daughter, Emma, to her father. Elliot's mother had been asking him for months to bring Olivia and Emma to her home so she could see them. They had planned this weeks ago, but at the last minute, Olivia had gotten a call saying she was needed as a witness the afternoon they were planning to leave. So she had told Elliot that she would rent a car and join them as soon as she could. He had sulked, but in the end, she had won.

"Yeah…" He leaned over and kissed his wife gently.

Olivia reluctantly broke the kiss and gently stroked her daughter's soft hair. "I'll be up there as soon as I can." She kissed Emma's forehead.

"Okay." He grabbed Emma's diaper bag and his keys. "I love you, Liv."

Olivia grinned. "Love you, too, El." She kissed her daughter again. "And I love you, Ems."

The baby smiled toothlessly.

With a sigh, Elliot finally left the apartment with the baby.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

After testifying for the better part of the afternoon, Olivia finally drove home. She had forgotten to grab the bag she had packed for the trip, and she grumbled at her own absent-mindedness.

As she pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex, she frowned. There were flashing lights and uniforms gathered. What on earth was going on? She parked and turned off the engine, then got out of the car.

Cragen spotted her first, and his heart sank.

Olivia was surprised to see Cragen approach her. "Captain? What's going on?"

He had tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat. "Olivia…"

"What happened?"

Finally he managed, "It's Elliot and Emma…"

A panic lit up deep within her. "Where are they? Where's my family, Don?"

"There was an accident, Olivia." He reached out and gently grasped her shoulder.

She stepped away from him. "Are they okay? What hospital are they in?" she demanded anxiously.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia…"

An anguished howl escaped her lips as she fell to the cold ground beneath her. Her family, her whole world was gone.

Nothing was ever going to be okay again.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

Three months later, Olivia stumbled into her apartment, reeking of whiskey and cheap cigarettes. Without turning on a light, she locked the door and went into the kitchen for the bottle of Jim Bean she kept under the counter. Forgoing a glass, she brought the bottle to her mouth and took a long drink.

Ever since losing her entire family that night, everyone had been worried about her. She went back to work shortly after the funeral, but refused to take a new partner. A coldness now resided where she had once taken pride in her job. She rarely dealt with victims, and every time she was called to a scene, Cragen was truly afraid she wouldn't come back. He loved her and hated to watch her slip through his fingers, knowing there was nothing he could do about it. She simply didn't care anymore.

She took another drink, then pulled her gun out of its holster and placed it on the counter in front of her. Everyone had told her that the pain would grow more tolerable, but that was a lie. Every day, every second, the pain worsened, enveloping her like a black hole.

Elliot's mother called occasionally, but Olivia ignored it. She'd already apologized, because it was her fault Elliot and Emma had been in that car in the first place. She felt that if it hadn't been for her, they would still be alive. And Olivia agreed with that. She didn't care that the only person who should be blamed was the man who hit her husband's car. She blamed everyone and anyone involved, including herself. If she had been with them, maybe they would have gone a different route. Maybe they would have left the house just a few minutes later. Maybe…

Her finger ran lightly along the cool surface of the gun. How easy it would be to just place the muzzle in the mouth and pull the trigger. No more pain, no more loneliness… and she would have her family back. She wouldn't have to be separated from them any longer. Sure, she still saw Elliot's children, but that only brought her pain. It was another reminder that she would never see Elliot or Emma again. But if she could just pick up that gun…

Outside, Fin was walking up to Olivia's apartment. He had watched Olivia morph from a beautiful, kind, compassionate woman to a lifeless zombie in what felt like seconds. They could only watch helplessly as she slowly gave up and the light left her eyes. She had lost her soul mate and her only child in one fell swoop. He couldn't blame her for giving up, but he had to find a way to keep her from losing it completely. He loved her, and he couldn't just stand by and watch her kill herself. He had to do something.

Slowly Olivia picked up the gun, enjoying the heavy feel of it in her hand. Elliot always believed it was a sin to commit suicide, but even when he lost Kathy, he still had his children and Olivia. He hadn't lost it all. And eventually he was able to rebuild his life. She couldn't do that.

Fin finally reached the right floor and headed down the hall. Maybe he could convince her to go with him for dinner. Out of everyone in her life, he honestly believed he was the one who could draw her back from the precipice she stood on.

She studied the gun, then brought it up to her chest. One clean shot, through the heart…the heart that was already irreparably broken.

Suddenly his stomach sank. Something was wrong. He just knew it. He picked up the pace as he hurried to her door.

Her finger came to rest on the trigger. Just one little motion.

Finally reaching her door, he reached out and pounded against it. The light was on, and he knew she was inside. "Olivia!"

She heard the sound of Fin's voice, but she didn't react. Her finger pressed down more firmly on the trigger.

The pounding became more frantic. "Liv, open this door!" He grabbed the doorknob and twisted. Locked. With a groan, he moved back and lunged at the door, prepared to knock it down.

Despite the noise, Olivia remained calm. In her mind's eye, she could see the smiling faces of her husband and daughter. "I'm coming," she whispered, the muzzle of the gun pressing more tightly against her evenly beating heart.

"Olivia!" Fin hit the door again.

Olivia closed her eyes. "I love you."

Bang.

The End.

A/N: *hides under rock* There may be more to this, like a chapter from Fin's POV. What do you guys think? Thanks for reading, and please review!


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